How to Rebuild Trust After It's Been Broken
How to Rebuild Trust After It's Been Broken
Trust is the bedrock of any healthy relationship. It’s the invisible thread that provides security, fosters intimacy, and allows two people to be vulnerable with one another. When that trust is broken, whether through a major betrayal or a series of smaller hurts, the foundation of the relationship can shatter. The path to rebuild trust is challenging and often painful, but it is possible with commitment, patience, and a clear roadmap.
This guide provides actionable steps on how to rebuild trust after it's been broken. Drawing from the wisdom of relationship experts like Janis Abrahms Spring and Harville Hendrix, we will explore the essential components of this healing journey: taking accountability, fostering transparent communication, and creating a new, stronger connection. Understanding these principles can help you and your partner navigate this difficult process and emerge with a more resilient bond.
Acknowledging the Damage: The First Step
Before any healing can begin, the breach of trust must be fully acknowledged. Minimizing the hurt, making excuses, or rushing the process will only deepen the wound. This stage requires the person who broke the trust (the offending partner) to face the consequences of their actions without defensiveness.
According to Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, author of After the Affair, true accountability is non-negotiable. It involves more than a simple "I'm sorry." The offending partner must be willing to listen to the hurt partner's pain, answer difficult questions, and express genuine remorse for the specific actions they took. This isn't about groveling; it's about validating the other person's reality and demonstrating a deep understanding of the pain they caused.
For the hurt partner, this stage involves allowing yourself to feel the full spectrum of your emotions—anger, sadness, and confusion. Suppressing these feelings will only stall the healing process.
The Two-Sided Coin of Rebuilding Trust
Rebuilding trust is not a one-person job. While the person who broke the trust has a significant role to play, both partners must be actively involved. Dr. Spring outlines a two-sided model where both individuals have distinct responsibilities.
The Offending Partner's Role: Demonstrating Trustworthiness
The person who broke the trust must shift their focus from demanding forgiveness to demonstrating trustworthy behavior over time. Key actions include:
Complete Transparency: This means being an open book. Offer access to emails, texts, and schedules without being asked. This isn't about surveillance; it's a temporary measure to help the hurt partner feel safe again.
Genuine Remorse: Apologize for the specific actions and the impact they had. Show that you understand why your actions were so damaging.
Patience and Consistency: Rebuilding trust is a marathon, not a sprint. You must be patient with your partner's healing process and consistently show up in a reliable, honest way.
The Hurt Partner's Role: Choosing to Re-engage
The hurt partner’s role is to decide whether they are willing to take the risk of trusting again. This is a courageous choice, not an obligation. Key actions include:
Expressing Feelings Constructively: Communicate your pain without resorting to constant blame or punishment. Using "I" statements can help express feelings without attacking your partner.
Setting Clear Boundaries: Define what you need to feel safe. This might include rules about communication, social interactions, or access to information.
Observing for Change: Pay attention to your partner's actions, not just their words. Are they consistently demonstrating trustworthiness?
The Imago Connection: Healing Wounds Together
How do we create a space safe enough for this healing to happen? This is where Harville Hendrix's Imago Relationship Therapy offers profound insight. Imago theory suggests that we unconsciously choose partners who mirror our primary caregivers, giving us a chance to heal old childhood wounds. A breach of trust often reactivates these deep-seated fears of abandonment or neglect.
The Imago Dialogue provides a structured way for couples to communicate that is essential for rebuilding trust. This process involves three steps:
Mirroring: The listening partner repeats the speaker's words verbatim, without judgment or response. This ensures the speaker feels truly heard. For example, "What I hear you saying is that you felt completely alone when you discovered the texts."
Validation: The listener then validates the speaker's perspective. It doesn’t mean you agree, but that you can understand why they feel that way. For instance, "That makes sense. I can see why you would feel that way given the situation."
Empathy: Finally, the listener expresses empathy by trying to imagine what the speaker is feeling. "I can imagine you must feel devastated and scared."
This structured communication turns a volatile confrontation into a safe, healing conversation. It slows things down and helps both partners move from reactivity to understanding, creating the psychological safety required for trust to take root again.
Concrete Steps to Rebuilding and Moving Forward
With a foundation of accountability and safe communication, you can begin the practical work of rebuilding.
1. Create a New Relationship Agreement
The old relationship, the one where trust was broken, is over. The goal is to build a new, stronger one. Sit down together and define the rules and expectations for this new partnership. What does honesty look like? How will you handle conflict? What are your shared values?
2. Forgiveness Is a Process, Not a Moment
Forgiveness is often misunderstood. It is not about condoning the hurtful action. It is a process of letting go of the need for revenge or punishment so that you can move forward. This decision is entirely up to the hurt partner and cannot be rushed. It often happens gradually as trustworthiness is demonstrated over time.
3. Seek Professional Help
Rebuilding trust is one of the most challenging tasks a couple can undertake. A therapist trained in couples counseling, attachment theory, or Imago Therapy can provide a neutral space and essential tools to guide you through the process. A professional can help you navigate difficult conversations and ensure both partners stay on a constructive path.
Conclusion
Rebuilding trust after it has been broken is a profound journey of healing, for both the individuals and the relationship itself. It requires radical honesty from the person who caused the harm and courageous vulnerability from the person who was hurt. It is a slow, deliberate process built on consistent, trustworthy actions, not empty promises.
For couples curious about exploring new ways to enhance their relationship, consider trying something like Imago therapy. Through improved understanding and intentional dialogue, you’ll foster a deeper sense of trust and unity that can weather the ups and downs of any partnership.
Taking the step to prioritize your relationship isn’t about fixing what’s broken; it’s about making a strong bond unbreakable.
I recommend working with a Certified Imago Relationship Therapist for expert coaching through the process.
And for fast results, you’re welcome to join one of my Couples Seminars. During the 3-hour sessions you’ll discover the key to a deeper, more joyful connection with your partner. You’ll uncover your personal blueprint for love, learn effective communication techniques, and gain practical tools to resolve conflicts, build trust, and strengthen emotional bonds. This seminar is your chance to foster growth, healing, and lasting happiness together. Visit OneJourneyTwoHearts.com for detailed information about each seminar.
